So sorry for your losses. It's tough to write and focus when life is hard. I find when I get stuck, I just start writing anyway. Almost always, that creative part of the brain wakes up and before I know it, a few hours have gone by.
So beautiful and relatable—all of it! The caregiving, the hovering shoes, the stuckness. I have been feeling frozen for … I don’t know how long exactly. What’s encouraging me is that I see signs of thaw in little daily things - wiping the drops where my smoothie overflowed before leaving the kitchen, sharing some of my older poetry here on Substack. Thank you for your heart, your transparency and your willingness to be seen. Sending tendrils of love and support through the grief.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful note. You can add a slight tinge of dread that sneaks in during the night, nudging me as I wake.
So you have a smoothie daily? I have one daily. And there’s always more than a drip to wipe up. I will search for the thaw… humor is one of my go-to’s.
This was such a beautiful blend of discipline and grace. As a mom and multi-passionate creative, I felt so seen. It’s powerful to witness someone honoring their calling and their caregiving. Thank you for showing that creativity doesn’t have to wait for a perfect season, it can live alongside the sacred, everyday moments too.
I truly appreciate you reading and also leaving such a thoughtful comment. My heart was wrung out after writing it but writing it was part of this process called grief.
Be there for your Mom, she can't wait, the novel can wait. The characters will deepen through this challenging time. It's hard to see your parents decline, no matter your age you feel like an orphan. When my dad was told he had 3 months to live, he requested I visit. I thought I had time. He passed in 3 weeks, I didn't see him and I couldn't forgive myself for not getting there immediately. The novel has time, it could be a best seller. Mom and you need each other. Best to you. God bless, pray, love
Sorry for my delayed response here. Thank you so much Gretchen for your thoughtful note. I’m sorry you weren’t able to make it to your dad on time. Seeing my mom today. Looks like she might just make it to her 85th birthday next weekend. No changes in her, no pain. It’s amazing 💛
I don't know if this will help, but one thing I often keep in mind is that what matters most in this life is connection. I often think of Percy Shelley's poem "Ozymandias" and remember that in a hundred years (or really, much less time than that) no one will remember whether I wrote a novel. But the time I spend with those around me *now*? Yeah, no one will remember that in a hundred years either, but I am making a difference in the lives of those I love in this moment. The novel may be something I have to write for myself, and maybe it would connect with someone also, but the connection in this moment? That's a sure thing.
When I was in NH All State Chorus (decades ago) we sang a piece based on Ozymandias. I’ve thought of it several times in recent years. The contrast of the egotistical pronouncements of the long-forgotten king with the “boundless and bare” sands stretching into nothingness is somehow both comforting and disquieting.
I love this so much, and I feel like we are living parallel lives, just with our parents reversed (my mother got dementia first). This is great inspiration to keep going.
Hi Lynn, I found you via Chris B (Oct 16). There's so much I immediately wanted to share after reading this. When that happens, I take a deep breath and pause to give space to this profound resonance.
My father had numerous health issues, but it was his congestive heart failure, bladder cancer and vascular dementia that made caregiving fraught. We were in hypervigilance with shoes dropping every week, and mainly between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am. I left work to help Mum care for him at home (I moved back from Brussels). He passed, and then Mum was diagnosed with two different cancers. She also never smoked.
All to say, I recognise many of the emotions and thoughts you've shared. I hope you won't mind if I offer personal reflection (it's the mentor in me...- I mentor clients about their careers/work). As caregivers, we're constantly using our agility and creativity to overcome issues and pivot. We're also having to become communication experts to advocate, get our points across or negotiate (with our loved ones or healthcare professionals). So, perhaps our creativity isn't dormant but exhausted from being overused? Thoughts??
The unpredictability of caregiving can feel limiting - safer, easier choices about our time and energy can lead to marginalising our 'care-free'/fun creativity time, but so much is out of our control. How do you inject fun, creative moments of writing into your day/week? I'm not a novel/book writer (yet), but I love to write to connect with others...hence Carer Mentor and Carer discussion forums..
Ohhh long answer! All to say thank you for this article. I feel resonance with you, and I've subscribed so we can share more thoughts. ❤️
I hope you'll wander around Carer Mentor when you've time - I don't connect live (I need that time for mentoring clients) but happy to DM. Best wishes. xo
Victoria. I currently have the luxury of peppering my time with play, Long walks and peace because my mom is still “OK.” it’s a very conscious effort and one that will likely wane when that other shoe drops. Channeling my energy into my creativity has saved me. I can’t say what will happen when my mom declines. I can only hope however it happens is fast and painless—something we hope for our loved ones. Until then, I take advantage of the open space, knowing it will disappear when I least expect it. I’m hoping That I will recover faster having gone through the loss of my dad. And it’s definitely hard waiting for the unknown. Sorry for your own situation. Happy to have more discussion in DM appreciate the subscription. 💛
It is the absolute hardest time of life, when you have to become the parent to your parents. I felt all of this - I lost my mom in January after years of declining cognitive ability and health, and lost my Dad to Covid in the days when you couldn’t visit patients in the hospital. No one was with him when he died- not his wife of 62 years, not his 4 kids, 6 grandkids, or 4 great-grandkids. I knew losing my parents would be hard - but I had no idea how all-encompassing grief could be.
Thank you for sharing a journey that will resonate with many. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer 8 years ago. She fought courageously. A warrior. Miss her but cherish the memories.
So sorry for your losses. It's tough to write and focus when life is hard. I find when I get stuck, I just start writing anyway. Almost always, that creative part of the brain wakes up and before I know it, a few hours have gone by.
Thank you, Laurie. Writing is what has helped me process the raw feelings. And also find humor in it all. Appreciate your thoughtful comment!
So beautiful and relatable—all of it! The caregiving, the hovering shoes, the stuckness. I have been feeling frozen for … I don’t know how long exactly. What’s encouraging me is that I see signs of thaw in little daily things - wiping the drops where my smoothie overflowed before leaving the kitchen, sharing some of my older poetry here on Substack. Thank you for your heart, your transparency and your willingness to be seen. Sending tendrils of love and support through the grief.
Thank you so much for your thoughtful note. You can add a slight tinge of dread that sneaks in during the night, nudging me as I wake.
So you have a smoothie daily? I have one daily. And there’s always more than a drip to wipe up. I will search for the thaw… humor is one of my go-to’s.
This was such a beautiful blend of discipline and grace. As a mom and multi-passionate creative, I felt so seen. It’s powerful to witness someone honoring their calling and their caregiving. Thank you for showing that creativity doesn’t have to wait for a perfect season, it can live alongside the sacred, everyday moments too.
I truly appreciate you reading and also leaving such a thoughtful comment. My heart was wrung out after writing it but writing it was part of this process called grief.
Be there for your Mom, she can't wait, the novel can wait. The characters will deepen through this challenging time. It's hard to see your parents decline, no matter your age you feel like an orphan. When my dad was told he had 3 months to live, he requested I visit. I thought I had time. He passed in 3 weeks, I didn't see him and I couldn't forgive myself for not getting there immediately. The novel has time, it could be a best seller. Mom and you need each other. Best to you. God bless, pray, love
Sorry for my delayed response here. Thank you so much Gretchen for your thoughtful note. I’m sorry you weren’t able to make it to your dad on time. Seeing my mom today. Looks like she might just make it to her 85th birthday next weekend. No changes in her, no pain. It’s amazing 💛
I don't know if this will help, but one thing I often keep in mind is that what matters most in this life is connection. I often think of Percy Shelley's poem "Ozymandias" and remember that in a hundred years (or really, much less time than that) no one will remember whether I wrote a novel. But the time I spend with those around me *now*? Yeah, no one will remember that in a hundred years either, but I am making a difference in the lives of those I love in this moment. The novel may be something I have to write for myself, and maybe it would connect with someone also, but the connection in this moment? That's a sure thing.
Thanks, Brent. I will have to check out that poem. Appreciate your words of wisdom!
When I was in NH All State Chorus (decades ago) we sang a piece based on Ozymandias. I’ve thought of it several times in recent years. The contrast of the egotistical pronouncements of the long-forgotten king with the “boundless and bare” sands stretching into nothingness is somehow both comforting and disquieting.
Oh wow. Sounds amazing. 🙏
I love this so much, and I feel like we are living parallel lives, just with our parents reversed (my mother got dementia first). This is great inspiration to keep going.
Thanks, Patty🫶 Writing here has definitely felt purposeful and keeps me from sinking into despair. Hang in there. We’re all in this together!
Hi Lynn, I found you via Chris B (Oct 16). There's so much I immediately wanted to share after reading this. When that happens, I take a deep breath and pause to give space to this profound resonance.
My father had numerous health issues, but it was his congestive heart failure, bladder cancer and vascular dementia that made caregiving fraught. We were in hypervigilance with shoes dropping every week, and mainly between the hours of 11 pm and 6 am. I left work to help Mum care for him at home (I moved back from Brussels). He passed, and then Mum was diagnosed with two different cancers. She also never smoked.
All to say, I recognise many of the emotions and thoughts you've shared. I hope you won't mind if I offer personal reflection (it's the mentor in me...- I mentor clients about their careers/work). As caregivers, we're constantly using our agility and creativity to overcome issues and pivot. We're also having to become communication experts to advocate, get our points across or negotiate (with our loved ones or healthcare professionals). So, perhaps our creativity isn't dormant but exhausted from being overused? Thoughts??
The unpredictability of caregiving can feel limiting - safer, easier choices about our time and energy can lead to marginalising our 'care-free'/fun creativity time, but so much is out of our control. How do you inject fun, creative moments of writing into your day/week? I'm not a novel/book writer (yet), but I love to write to connect with others...hence Carer Mentor and Carer discussion forums..
Ohhh long answer! All to say thank you for this article. I feel resonance with you, and I've subscribed so we can share more thoughts. ❤️
I hope you'll wander around Carer Mentor when you've time - I don't connect live (I need that time for mentoring clients) but happy to DM. Best wishes. xo
Thank you so much for your in depth comment,
Victoria. I currently have the luxury of peppering my time with play, Long walks and peace because my mom is still “OK.” it’s a very conscious effort and one that will likely wane when that other shoe drops. Channeling my energy into my creativity has saved me. I can’t say what will happen when my mom declines. I can only hope however it happens is fast and painless—something we hope for our loved ones. Until then, I take advantage of the open space, knowing it will disappear when I least expect it. I’m hoping That I will recover faster having gone through the loss of my dad. And it’s definitely hard waiting for the unknown. Sorry for your own situation. Happy to have more discussion in DM appreciate the subscription. 💛
Love this!
Thank you, Hina💛 Appreciate you taking the time to read & comment!!
Always dear🫶🏻❤️
Thank you Lynn. So raw and real - so relatable. ❤️
Thank you so much, Harriet. Appreciate that you took the time to leave a comment. Appreciate all that you do in this world.
Thank you for sharing this such a raw and vulnerable way, but also giving hope. Very needed
Sorry for the delay in responding, Sarah! Appreciate you taking the time to leave a comment. 🙏
It is the absolute hardest time of life, when you have to become the parent to your parents. I felt all of this - I lost my mom in January after years of declining cognitive ability and health, and lost my Dad to Covid in the days when you couldn’t visit patients in the hospital. No one was with him when he died- not his wife of 62 years, not his 4 kids, 6 grandkids, or 4 great-grandkids. I knew losing my parents would be hard - but I had no idea how all-encompassing grief could be.
So so sorry. Not being able to be there for your dad must have been heartbreaking.
I never imagined the how deep grief would cut into my heart and soul.
Thank you for sharing a journey that will resonate with many. I lost my mom to ovarian cancer 8 years ago. She fought courageously. A warrior. Miss her but cherish the memories.
So sorry for your loss. I find myself staring at photos of my dad. Somehow that—and writing—helps 🙏
Life is a series of events, things that happen and we have no control over them. And our adaptation is required. I think your plan's a good one!
I think I have been fighting the adaptation. And now I need to lean into it. Thanks, Carol.
Thank you for sharing your writing journey. I hope one day you're able to make your novel writing dream come true.
Thank you, Katrina. 🙏